I’ve been single, not counting situation-ships or other casual dating, most of my life. I’ve been single AND a Christian for a little over eight years. Most of what I’m discussing in this post is centered around my experience within the past eight years. My journey of surrendering my singleness and desire for marriage to God has been fraught, to say the least. It wasn’t until the past three years that I reached some sort of calm and surrender over singleness. I started to genuinely enjoy my single season and value the many privileges it brings. I will surely mourn my ability to do things like eat out every night if I wish or just pick up and travel anywhere once I am married. That aside, the wait gets daunting at times, leaving me feeling hopeless and frustrated.
I recently came out of a dating break which meant that I was not going on any dates, and I limited my engagement with romantic media (songs, movie, social media posts, etc.) so I don’t fantasize about love too much. I went on the break because I was disillusioned about romance and dating. I was discouraged by recent dates I was going on where the men were either strange or rude/self-entitled. I was also starting to panic, wondering if there was a “right man” out there for me. Past experience has taught me that “panicked Enni” makes terrible decisions when it comes to love, primarily because she starts to settle. The break helped me clear my mind and heal my heart.
Not focusing on dating freed space in my brain to enjoy other aspects of my life and dream up new goals to achieve and hobbies to try…like golfing (stay tuned for how that goes). I enjoyed talking about other topics, besides dating, with my friends, reading good books, and telling God about my goals outside of romance. It was so nice. My break is officially over but I am still incorporating certain practices such as not overly engaging with romantic movies, romantic books, or conversations about romance.
However, there are times (like now) I find myself aching to finally enter a meaningful relationship. I feel l have reached my peak with waiting and the additional seconds feel like a form of punishment from God. I know that I am ready for a healthy, God-centered relationship. It can be so exhausting to wait for something you are more than equipped to take on and experience. Times like these, I am certain that there is no man for me because why else would I be subject to such an excruciating waiting period? I feel simultaneously numb and in pain. In essence, I am tired. I don’t want to wait anymore.
I don’t have any words of wisdom, nor do I want any, to help me to ‘hold on a little while.’ Because in all honesty, this is beyond a ‘little while,’ and I am not going to fool myself that what I’m waiting for is ‘right around the corner.’ That mindset only hurts more these days. For now, here I am, single, waiting and tired. I have no words of wisdom or encouragement for those who are in the same predicament. All I can say is that you are not alone and I pray that our waiting will be worth every second one day.
“Stand strong in your faith. You know that your brothers and sisters all over the world are having the same sufferings that you have.“
(1 Peter 5:9 ERV)
A Prodigal Love 