I tend to fall into a pattern of thinking that almost always leads me to lose faith in who God is. That pattern of thinking is believing that God is a human being…well a super human being. I know that he is not quite like you and me, but I begin to attribute to Him the worst of human qualities. He becomes powerful but unreliable, invincible but inconsistent, loving but temperamentally so. He become my übermensch as opposed to me being His creation whom He loves and cherishes unconditionally and whom He will never forget or fail. I begin to make God a father who is emotionally absent or a mother who I have to perform for in order to be acknowledged.
Our relationships with our parents, friends, sisters, and brothers can unintentionally influence our relationship with God, especially if those relationships were established before we came into relationship with God. I fear that God will abandon me. He will not live up to who His word says He is. He will forget me. He will not love me one day as much as He claims to because I will finally be too (insert negative adjective here) to love.
There is something I am waiting on God for. I have been waiting on it for almost five years now and it has become a really sore point for me when it comes to my faith in Him. There are so many proverbial mountains and valleys that God has seen me through, but, in this particular area of my life, I have been wandering through the desert for years. It is the “Achilles heel” in my faith that leads me to despair and become convinced that I am forgotten by the Father and that He will never come through for me.
I don’t know what to do about this. I have grown weary of running up against this brick wall in my walk that always knocks the faith out of me. I desire to finally jump over this hurdle in my faith and finally rest in God’s unchanging love for me. I think the one point of peace in all of this arise in the moments when I remember that though I wrestle and am inconsistent, God still has to remain unchanging and stable, regardless of my opinions of Him.
How do you journey through seasons of doubt in your relationship with God?
“He alone is my safe place; his wrap-around presence always protects me. For he is my champion defender; there’s no risk of failure with God. So why would I let worry paralyze me, even when troubles multiply around me?.“
(Psalm 62:2 TPT)
Photo: “Belief + Doubt = Sanity” by Barbara Kruger at Hirshhorn Museum and Sculpture Garden.