The Answer

“The Lord said to me
Time is a healer
Love is the answer
I’m on my way”

I’ve been dazed.

The realization flooded over me while I took a bath one night. It has nothing to do with quarantine or the pandemic. I’ve just been a bit distant from myself. I started to dip my toes into imposter streams. Simultaneously wrestling with my desires, who I am, who I want to be, and who I don’t want to be. That fight has become so exhausting. Always wondering what if I behaved more like this person or wondering why that person behaved the way they did. A thought popped into my mind today “the most judgmental people are the primary victims of their own judgments.”

The fear of rejection, the fear of trying, and the fear of losing things, intangible and tangible. I have been tired of trying. Tired of trying with this blog, with people, with parts of myself, with God. And I think it’s because I’ve been trying. Not allowing myself to be, but working restlessly like Martha. I want to enjoy my life again. I want the parts of myself that became tireless work to transform into sources of joy.

I want to enjoy people, God, and so much more. I no longer want to try so hard. No longer want to scrutinize over every detail and every person, transforming everything into another chore to mark completed. No, I want to enjoy again. Enjoy writing, enjoy the daily mundane, enjoy myself, enjoy people, and enjoy God.

I am journeying out of a daze.

“Now I can carry on
I need peace of mind
Help me carry on”

– Lyrics by Michael Kiwanuka