Sometimes we associate fear with things we deem as bad. Fearing of losing loved ones. Fear of being alone. Fear of failure. But do you ever feel fearful about things that are good? I know I do.
I was recently watching a video from a YouTuber that I just got into and she mentioned this. She created a creative, unique video and at the end include a few lines against a black background stating how anxious she felt about gaining success from her work. As I read her notes I was so puzzled and immediately thought ‘but you’re so talented, why are you afraid?’ And that question boomeranged back to my heart. ‘But I’m so talented, why am I afraid?’ Well I am afraid for a few reasons:
What if I am as good as I feel I am at what I do, and possibly even better?
What if I am not that good at what I do but think too highly of myself?
What if I lose friends because they feel intimidated by my talent or success?
What if I burnout and lose my edge and my drive?
What if I lose it all one day? What is the point of doing all this if it can all be taken away from me?
It not only applies to success but to love and friendship:
What if I drive this person away if they really really knew who I am?
Would I be safe if they saw the real me? Would they manipulate me?
Do they really love me for me or for what I can give to them?
The fears go on and on and on until they fade into the background. They tag along with me on each new endeavor, reminders of things that could come to pass but might not.
I have heard that saying that 99.2 percent (or something like that) of what we fear actually comes to pass. And you know what I thought as soon as I heard it?
“What about the 0.8 percent?”
Literally…my mind fixated on and inflated the significantly small number of our fears that occur. How wild is that?
I also realized that I do this a lot in my relationship with God:
What if He doesn’t really love me?
What if He leaves me?
What if I can’t give Him what He wants?
What if I am not good enough?
What if I just totally suck?
The fear and guilt is so crippling. It causes me to run away from God and hide because I am too vulnerable, too naked. Sound familiar?
To be honest, this is something I am still wrestling with. I don’t have wise answers that will solve anything. All I can share are some scriptures that give me hope, when I remember to meditate on them:
“But God showed his great love for us by sending Christ to die for us while we were still sinners“
(Romans 5:8 NLT)
“God saved you by his grace when you believed. And you can’t take credit for this; it is a gift from God. Salvation is not a reward for the good things we have done, so none of us can boast about it.“
(Ephesians 2:8-9 NLT)
“This is love: He loved us long before we loved him . It was his love, not ours. He proved it by sending his Son to be the pleasing sacrificial offering to take away our sins.“
(1 John 4:10 TPT)
Where am I currently in all this?
I am still in the thick of it and I am feeling pretty tired of wrestling these days.
Pray for me.