Loose Control

Hi. Hello. Obrigado. Aloha.. I am just passing through. Actually I have been meaning to make a post for about six months now. Hahaha. Yeah it has taken me that long. I came back to the blog but I would get distracted when I tried to create a banner that did not resize to a puny pixelated image. I tried to find tutorials and download programs that should offer support before I got frustrated and realized that I spent over two hours and still no cigar. From there I would leave the blog and continue on to NetFlix; it has been a vicious cycle. Now I am in the stage of acceptance…my banner game may never be poppin’. Anyway, I need to hash some things out in writing. On here. For myself especially, and maybe you get to come along for the ride and unearth some things from your heart as well.

I spent the past year grasping tightly onto some illusion of control I had, meanwhile EVERYTHING within and around me was seemingly spiraling out of control. My job announced that it would begin a bi-coastal move three days into my employment. From that moment I lost control of what I thought my job would offer me in terms of security (I did not lose my job but still), fulfillment, and stability. Everything was in limbo and at times it drove me crazy. Then I lost control of what I thought my post-grad life would look like: an eclectic apartment in the city, either shared or a studio; living that young and sexy city life of concerts, bar crawls, weird coffee shops, and sweet independence. Needle scratch on record…NOPE…I would be living with my mother in the suburban neighborhood I worked so hard to leave from the moment we moved here—a fact I would reiterate to anyone who listened as I recited my “woes.”

But WAIT! There is MORE! I fell into anxiety in a way I never have before. Imagine thoughts racing until the point of crashing into a gigantic, nausea-inducing migraine. Pain in my head, my body, hormonal acne to the ying-yang…especially in unexpected places like my once flawless chocolaty back, AND panic was always around the corner. That anxiety left the front door open for depression to come in with some party snacks and soda (ewww). And all hell broke loose. I constantly felt like I was on the brink of losing my mind while also trying to keep everything in order and under control: Continue serving in the church even though I secretly do not know if I like these people and I am not sure if I love God. But keep going…give and give and give and deplete, deplete, deplete.

Then I broke down. I did not receive the unattainable perfect acceptance I so desired from people and I broke down. I cried all night and by morning woke up numb and drained. I became a zombie of myself. Not even Negan could inspire any sort emotion within me. Maybe I had finally gone crazy…I kind of doubt it. But the pain was still deep. I hit a wall that had been there all along; I was steadily and quickly heading toward it while trying my best to avoid it. Wall: 100, Enni: 0. Afterwards, I continued attempting to keep myself “together.” The problem was that I constantly fell apart and became less hopeful each time.

Forward four months and all I have are questions…there are quite a few but three main ones. Throughout this journey I became increasingly religious. I kept count of my good deeds as though I could exchange them in the end for like a heavenly yacht or something. Inversely, I felt worthless whenever I did wrong. I went to church and did the “right” things in order to fulfill some sort of prerequisite to obtain God’s love. My heart hardened. Sometimes I hated God or I hated myself because I could not feel God’s presence. I became fearful that God despised me with all of His being but believed His alledged hate was warranted.

I have forgotten so much about an all-loving God that I could not point him out in a lineup. I cuss like a pirate because I do not care. I slowly began doing what I wanted…denying myself was a both a bore and a chore. I hit another wall on the fourth anniversary of the day I chose to become baptised and follow God…I did not want to follow God anymore…not like this. I did not want to be steeped in religious hypocrisy and duty. I did not know God anymore and I was stuck. I do not know God anymore and I am so very stuck. Three questions emerge from my heart:

Who the heck is God? Like who are you. What are you doing? What are you made up of?

Who am I? What am I doing here? Who am I supposed to be?

What is going on here…in this world? Everything looks pretty meaningless..so what is the point of it all, really?

There is no beautiful resolve. There may never be one for all I know. I am tired, faithless, confused, angry…soooooooo angry, heartbroken, and lost.

These days my blog posts may at times resemble the book of Esther in that I may not mention God sometimes. I may not have bible verses weaved skillfully through my posts because I may not feel like including them. I just want to talk and document this journey that I am taking because it is f**cking scary man and I need something to look back on if I make it out of this muck. But I am tired of being a robot and I am ready to be real. I am loosening my grasp on control.

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