We are all getting in the swing of things again. Whether it be school, work, or whatever else takes up our time. For me it’s school and work. I said in an earlier post that I was going through quite a bit in my heart. I had another post that I had on draft for the past week in which I was basically rambling and trying to explain what was up with me. A week ago I couldn’t really put my finger on it. To be frank and because I don’t want to run around in circles trying to explain what is up , I’m just going to spit it out. I am not confident in myself and this makes me lack confidence in God. During my winter break I went through a bit of a dark time. I was questioning whether I loved God and if I even wanted to continue to follow Him. The world was simultaneously looking attractive and repulsive. What made the world look attractive was the amount of freewill I saw and reminiscing of the times before I became a Christian. What made the world repulsive was I knew how much darkness and sadness there was in the world. I was already in a bad place, did I really want to make it worse?
I believe that God puts certain things in our path to make us evaluate our hearts for him. Making the decision to follow God is the hardest decision that one can make in a lifetime. It is a confusing and often frustrating experience. I find myself feeling so uncomfortable as I have to basically unlearn EVERYTHING that I have known to be “true” because it mostly is not. Over the past couple of weeks I have asked and been asked (see Hebrews 3:13) what is means to love God. I have learned that one of the first steps to love God is to love and trust yourself. Like the adage goes, ‘if you can’t love yourself, who can you love?’ I used to think I was confident but I realized that I was only confident in the flesh but not in the spirit. I do not believe or trust in myself. This makes it hard for me to believe or trust in God. Being doubtful makes it hard to love. This is why I struggle to love God on a deeper level.
I am trying to learn and study out God’s love while studying out self-love. I cannot do these things alone. So I am seeking out a mentor (of a religious type) and a therapist. I will not lie. I am scared because I do not know what I am doing and where this is all going. It is hard to find a mentor who has both the time and I that I can resonate with. It is hard to find a therapist. I just continue to speak with God and letting him know what’s on my uncertain heart. I read an article that, at the end, encouraged me to ‘learn to see love with your soul, not your heart, and give it from there as well.’ Today I challenge you guys to learn to do the same.
Keeping you posted.
1 John 3:21 (NIV): Dear friends, if our hearts do not condemn us, we have confidence before God.