Lately I have been in positions where I have to be vulnerable. One thing most people are quick to learn about me is that I don’t know how to be vulnerable. Let me clarify, it’s not that I have no idea how but that it scares me to be vulnerable. Vulnerability is the biggest component in having a relationship with God. If you keep trying to control every aspect of your life, then how can God find room to work in your life? That is the toughest thing I am learning. Ceding control, totally, to God. I naturally want to control every single thing, sometimes I want to control God’s place in my life. One of my big prayer points for this year is to give God control over every part of my life.
Vulnerability makes me feel exposed. I get this uncomfortable butterfly feeling in the pit of my stomach that limits my appetite and my mind races with a million different outcomes for the situation that I am vulnerable in. I am consumed by fear when I am vulnerable because it makes me feel at risk. I am at risk of getting hurt. I have spent the past nine years of my life trying to prevent getting hurt. In that time I have built a wall around myself. I have had people tell me about this wall but I did not believe them, I did not understand.
This past year I took notice of the wall and I have been in the process of breaking it down. I really have to say that this is God working in my life because I could not have faced the challenges presented to me otherwise. I have failed, cried (a lot), and had to apologize to those I have hurt with my pride. It was not easy at all. I thank God for putting friends by my side that guided me and sometimes held my hand through the process. It surprises me to see how weak I am behind my wall, the thing I thought made me strong. Even though I am weak, I am slowly becoming unafraid because God is carrying me through this all.
1 Samuel 1:15 (NIV): I am a woman who is deeply troubled…I was pouring out my soul to the Lord.